And she says...

Happy Chinese New Year

2012-01-23T00:18:00.000-08:00

I cant imagine having to live life alone in this foreign land. I miss all of you. Its funny also how you can almost remove someone off ur life simply by clicking a facebook setting ; unfriend. I've learned that almost no guy friend ; unless gay of course, can ever be your best friend. I've learned also that it was okay to loose a friend only if it meant well for both parties.

I also hope that down this track of life, people will learn to put their past aside and if ever to reminisce those moments, only to appreciate that people who have walked your path somehow has shaped and moulded you to be a better person.

I can't think of any sad endings because I do not believe in one. I wish each and every one of you to be blessed with love from your family; friends and that special someone you've been waiting for all this time of your life.

If you had told me this time last year where I would be today, I wouldn't have believed you. Only because I had no idea I was strong enough to make big decisions and because I never knew moving on unveils the many little things in life that you have been too caught up with to notice; what's always been there, what's always been in front of you.

Tonight I make toast, for you and I , for love, success, hapiness, health and prosperity for the year 2012.

Happy new year

2012-01-03T00:47:00.000-08:00

I cant tell u how excited I am about moving, and how excited again i am to seeing my siblings again. Then in 2 months, I'll be able to see my parents again. Tonight my mom called trying to persuade me into coming home, It's left me with a great many mix feelings.

Everythings getting better, I've come up with a long list of new year resolutions, most of all, I'm ready to let go.

This Christmas

2011-12-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

Christmas away from home and my family didn't feel very unusual anymore. Last year I met Lionel on Christmas Eve in church, and really it's been one year since. It had been very special spending both those days together and even with his sister, it felt like i belonged again in a family.

I've had my parents call me but never picking up. It's as if I've built a wall around me and I just can't deal with unneccessary emotions. I'm still recovering and nursing my health back because when I get emotional, I just crash. I try to understand why things are the way they play out to be, I hate myself hearing a cry over the phone and not being able to do anything. I just need a little bit more time to pull myself together, career wise, relationship wise and just being able to deal with everything more comfortably.

Everything had seem too good to be true, full time job, biggest financial institution to work for, yet everyday i still have second thoughts, almost every morning I wake up having to drag myself out of bed and sulking like a 2 year old not wanting to go to play school.

Everyday I tell myself how thankful i should be to have all this blessed upon my life and that I really should appreciate the people and things bestowed upon me because I do actually deserve this hapiness.

Some days I cannot help but have bad thoughts. Some days I even feel like pushing the one person I truly love away from me too. I guess I'm just exhausted, so exhausted that even a 4 day break does not help. Some days I feel like I want to go all out and crazy, I want to just not care about anything, i want to not have any obligations, I want to not care about where to be 5 months from now. I feel so suffocated.

Other days are bright and beautiful. May there be better days to come and may I not forget who I am and the person I want to be.

Merry Christmas everyone.

wishful thinking

2011-12-01T01:46:00.001-08:00

I woke Lionel up because It hurt so bad and he stayed up to watch me. I had torn my shoulder tissue and had continued with work. It didn't seem that serious until it hit the nerves on my neck and jaw. I am still on pain killers and it ain't funny. Work has been nothing but stress. It sucks more when I have to work when I am going through so much pain.

It's been pretty upsetting this past few days. It's mixed with angry feelings and God knows what. I wonder why parents fall out of love. I wonder why such nasty words can come out of a persons mouth especially if it involves 2 people you love so much and of whom you thought would mean the world to each other. I wonder why it happens when its that phase of their lives where they really ought to just sit down and enjoy life, drama free.

Maybe that was why I never wanted anything serious with anyone or that whenever I felt like I really loved someone, I just give it all up because I was too scared. I've never quite put up a fight for anything serious involving matters of the heart because I've always thought I should protect myself before others.

I just don't know if love will ever last.

To know

2011-11-07T01:58:00.000-08:00

Someone I grew up knowing left this world recently. We lost her to cancer. I remember sending her a text a month ago when she had gotten really sick. She replied me, asking to keep her in my prayers and she told me that she loves me very much. I was taken back at that line, because it meant a lot to hear that I was somewhat significant in her life. I must admit that I do take for granted people in life, I often think that people just forget, that they just forget about you through time. I'm tucked in bed, thinking about her, wondering where she is right now, wondering if she's happier than she was on earth that She need not go through a day more of pain. I'll be happy knowing she's in a better place.

I got home tonight and found the ipod on my side of the bed with a song paused. I got a message from Lionel to plug it in and to play it just as he had left it. I was having some trouble sleeping a few nights ago and I asked him to sing me a bed time song. The song he left on the ipod was the very same song he had sung to me.

I'm happy.

First Week

2011-10-27T03:21:00.000-07:00

I've been a lot busy. I've only got a good 10 minutes before I have to run again. Works been good. I'm doing a minimum 60 hour week from now but I love every bit of it. The bills have come rolling in again this time of the month and I've got a full on weekend with early cafe shifts and celebratory dinner/drinks with best friends for my new job. We're getting a car this weekend as well and it's all pretty exciting. Lionel's busy at work too but with the car, I can now bring him dinner every night. I'm going to get inked soon. Something I've had always wanted to do regardless of what people say. My drivers test will be delayed as I've got too much work on my hands at the moment. Other than that, things are fine and I'm considering bar tending for Hilton Hotel just for fun. I've got all this silly dreams that I want to do at least once in my life but having not enough hours in a day to complete it all.

Lionel brought me to Eureka Towers just 2 nights ago. The view was spectacular being 88 floors above ground overlooking the whole city of Melbourne. It was rather romantic in a way although I scared the shit outta me self when we went to the glass deck. Anyways, I'll write again. soon. Tonight, like every other night, I've gotta wait for my hubbie to come home from work. I feel so happy day by day. He said to me last night he wanted to marry me. Of course I wanted to, but we're both too young, but having to have someone to share my dreams with me, it's such a wonderful feeling when u have someone u love cuddling you to sleep every night, washing your hair when your hands are full of blisters and plasters and to have it all blow dried nicely,having someone to make my breakfast and lunch boxes for work every morning, having someone to give me my piggy back rides every time my feet hurts from walking.

If you know me, its really unusual for me to talk about a guy this way. But what else can i say, this guy made my heart skip a beat and I'm pretty sure he'll sweep me off my feet for the rest of my life.

More than Happy

2011-10-19T00:29:00.000-07:00

I said I was going to write when good news come about. It did. They say things come by in its own time, It's been a good one year working for Commonwealth Bank's Melbourne Operations Head Office, no doubt it was good but there was a lot of insecurity when you are contracted for a period of time and when you have a mortgage to pay. God works in his own ways for each of us, i believe in prayers and a little bit of persistence. I got offered a Full time Permanent Job for the Bank in a different sector as of today. One that surprisingly didn't apply for and got called in personally from a branch I had no idea exist for me to be part of their team. Months and months of sleepless nights all put to an end now. It sounds too good to be true, these feelings are way beyond what I can actually put into words now. I've had everything I ever wanted in my life today.

I count the blessings showered onto my life. I am just very very happy.

This years Xmas presents came early. I love every single one of you who have been there for me. The happiness comes also with a little bit of sadness. Sad because I've made such great friends at work that I've been part of a family with for the past year, that I see almost 40 hours and more a week for the past year, friends I have to now leave for something better.

What is that word to describe it all?

BitterSweet.

Moving on is hard, but exciting at the same time because there are just so many people to meet, just so many things to learn and so many more things to experience. It'll be a good journey. and Thank you for being a part of it.

Time

2011-10-18T01:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I cooked dinner for my brother and sister. We had it inside the bedroom where we sleep. It was sorta nasty in a way if you think about it, to have moved the food on our bedside table in front of the laptop with my brother's ingenious idea to watch Prom Night while eating. It also felt nice being able to be in this room and talk to them, laugh about the silly things we do and of course my sibling's most loved topic is how gay and bitchy I am plus the constant talk on criticizing my driving. I'm getting a car soon for myself! Just a little bit more to save up for! Anyway, what I am trying to say is that times like this where I get to spend with my family is really Priceless. My brother just broke off his relationship of 3 years last weekend, it was mutual and perhaps for the better. I never believed in long distance relationships, I will not start in having that little bit of faith in it too.

I had an amazing weekend of party/sisha and of course my time with Lionel. I spend Sunday watching the story of Aryton Senna, an amazing Formula One driver and my weekly marathon of Fast Furious movies. I don't know how boyish I can get with Lionel's influence in me with cars. We hit our 16th movie last weekend as well, from when we starting dating, we've watched one movie a weekend in the cinema on an average count to date. Hoyts must really love us with the amount of money we spend on them.

My package arrived from America this morning. Now I have to plan on how to surprise my boyfriend for the weekend! I can't believe it's only Tuesday! I've had a few interviews in line, hoping only for the best! Stage One for my house has finished and It's all getting pretty exciting now. I've had myself covered for Income Protection which was approved last week. So everything is falling into place quite well and I am happy.

I guess one should always look forward to each day and always be thankful for the wonderful things in life. I know I do! There are days where you just really feel like you can't be fucked with anything anymore, but believe me, other days turn out better. My mom has been feeling a little sad lately being away from us for so long, it got me a little down knowing how I can only be there for here through the phone as I have work commitments. It's been far too long since I've been home. I miss my family.

Anyways this whole week is family week! You take care and I'll tell you if good news come about. xx

Mending the soul

2011-10-12T01:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've actually gone home. I swear my workplace is like my first home because I spend more time working than actually sleeping. Either that, there's always something to do, someone's birthday to attend, some party that can't be avoided. I broke down last night at work. I was beginning to wonder when I would actually fall apart. Have you ever been in situations where you are the sole person doing all the labor while someone else just watches you do it for the next 7 hours? I'm not complaining about work, I love work; mainly because I need the money and because I have to provide for my brother and sister; it's just been hard for me that I wake up at 6.30am and start work at the bank at 8 till 4.30pm and rush straight to my other job til 11pm last night. It would have been better if I hadn't had to do everything myself, well things are always better when someone else helps along.

I looked at my wrinkly wrinkly hands and bruised bruised heels, I couldn't even get into the shower without help last night. My boyfriend walked me a 15 minute walk just watching me tear my way home. He's good that way that he just gives me my time knowing how I hate talking things through with people. I feel sad for him nevertheless because I refuse to share anything intimate with him; by that I mean my feelings and what I go though everyday. I don't know why I close up so much around people, I just feel like time spent is precious and it need not involve anything bad, I just want to share good times and happy moments with people I love.

I am okay..

The bad days are gone and I have this weekend and the next to look forward to. How fast one month has flown, I barely noticed it fly by. It will be a year since I've started at the Bank. I have a special gift for Lionel next week when we'll be celebrating a very special day for both of us. I don't know how to tell you this but having met Lionel, he's been nothing but perfection. I meet new people on an everyday basis, talk to them and all that, that's my job but I can never find anyone even close to the qualities Lionel has.

I am so lucky that I have someone to sing me a bedtime song, to tuck me into bed, to help me steam iron my work clothes, to make my bad days better days, to have stayed up just to pick me up from work and to tell me how amazing a person I am in his eyes. I find it all too good to be true, but it is happening. Lionel has happened in my life.

I'm well from the cold I caught last week for being constantly under the rain. I have a huge party to attend over the weekend with Lionel and It'll be fun.

I can't wait to dance under the moonlight, I can't wait to be all cuddled in his arms.

Somewhere over the rainbow and the dreams you dreamed of

2011-10-02T05:08:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think that dreams do come true. It's been a rather exhausting week for me with work piled up like no tomorrow. I've given some thought about the online site and I've decided to set it up towards the middle of this month, I just purchased a Monster Turbine Pro Copper Gold Ear Phone for the boyfriend and I've been going through this crazy obsession with Yves Saint Laurent arty ovale rings. I just think every girl should own one because it brings such a sophisticated element to one.

Hello there little one! My favourite in turqoise.

Monster Turbine Pro Copper

What else is new? Recently my boyfriend has been into this photo taking phase and we decided to invest in this beauty, yes a Nikon D7000. I must admit that I was a little reluctant in this purchase because I have always been a Canon user and because it was really for professional use for amateurs like us.I've grown to love it over time although it drives us crazy most of the time with its very complicated settings.

Baby Nikon!

This week will be rather lonesome as I will be focusing on work.My brother's basketball team won Champion in the Asean Games yesterday in Melbourne. I had my driving lesson as well and my hazard test is in a weeks time! I think I am Lionel deprived.. he sent me a text saying that if he didn't get to see me before Friday next week he'll be hospitalized for lack of Karenloveism.

Have a good week bros!

Weekend Blues

2011-10-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

It feels different lying on this bed with the same familiar scent of this room. The laptop is watching my brother sleep and my sister is snoring away, snuggled right up beside me. I've had a bad cough and a sore throat to keep me tucked in bed for the weekend. I'm looking at this picture of you and I. I can't sleep tonight because you're not here to kiss me good night.

and She says to him..

Some people think it's easy just to forget, I just want to tell you that It isn't and I haven't forgotten about you. I know It's like how the song is sung, about how one mustn't make excuses for another's behaviour. I think about you every night that you are there and I wonder about how you are; because it is important to me that you are okay. I also want to believe that you are doing well without me and that you find happiness that you ever so deserve. I can't breathe. I want to tell you I miss you but I know we can never be friends again. I don't remember why I stopped talking to you, I don't remember why I gave up on you.

Too much Love

2011-09-27T00:37:00.000-07:00

Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

3 Months

2011-09-21T04:49:00.000-07:00

Because everyday I am thankful for you and no matter what happens, every 22nd day of the month will be ours to share. I love you baby boy. It's been a good three months and you have been nothing but wonderful. I've had dreams where perfection only existed in, I never knew reality could be as sweet and I never knew someone like you could fill up all the emptiness within me. God made you perfect for me.

I love you.

Kroam for Lionel.